My first trimester was filled with so much anxiety and stress, I honestly didn’t think little one was going to make it.
My mind was constantly wandering. From the second we found out that we were having a baby until the middle of second trimester, things were absolute hell. Well at least they were in my head. My mind was playing tricks on me. At the time, I had no idea what my mind was trying to tell me. If only I knew then what I know now, my whole pregnancy would have been much different.
A little back story… I struggled with generalized anxiety since I was a little girl. It took many years to finally understand where all the anxiety came from, twenty-five years to be exact. My anxiety started at the young age of 4.5 years old when my sister made her debut. I was no longer the baby, so I brought my anxiety on myself. I told myself that I had to be perfect. In my mind, if I was perfect then I would get attention and my family would notice me.
I had to be perfect.
I had to be a gold star.
I had to stand out someway.
I had to do it all.
Remember, no one put these thoughts in my mind, it was all ME.
Little did I know, all of these limited beliefs would stay with me for my childhood years and into adulthood.
The thought of having a baby was so hard for me to grasp. How could someone who was experiencing so much anxiety raise another human being and give them all the love in the world?
It got worse. I assumed from the very beginning that I was having a GIRL, I come from a family of all girls. How in the world could it not be a girl? Well, guys, it’s a fifty-fifty chance.
The day we found out that we were having a boy, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I kept having the ultrasound technician look back at the ultrasound to tell me that they had made a mistake. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I lost myself. I could hardly catch my breath. The panic set in and it wasn’t going away,
To make things worse, I cried at our gender reveal. I just couldn’t believe it. I’m sure some of you can relate.
All the these thoughts started to go through my mind:
“How am I going to raise him?”
“Are we going to connect?”
“Is he going to relate to me?”
“What am I going to do?”
I remember my husband sitting me down and looking up articles about boys and how they love their mamas. I kept trying to tell myself that I was okay and it was going to be okay, but subconsciously I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe it one bit.
As the weeks went by, the anxiety got worse, what was I going to do? Those thoughts started to circle again…
The anxiety turned into depression. A depression that no one would ever want to experience. A depression that had me wanting to be in bed all day long. A depression that made me tell myself things to think he wouldn’t come. The depression took away all my joy and made me feel as if I had nothing to live for.
It wasn’t until I started to learn more about myself and these limited beliefs, that things started to change. I finally realized why g-d gifted me with the miracle of having a boy.
See, for those of you that don’t know, my whole life (practically) I wanted to be a Kindergarten Teacher. One week into my dream job, I had 100 panic attacks and had to resign. I was crushed. I didn’t think I would be able to live. From that point, I took the limited belief with me that I was a FAILURE since I had to leave the classroom so abruptly. I know now that I was experiencing shock trauma that was connected to when I was a little girl in Kindergarten during the time when my sister was born.
When we don’t work on ourselves and we keep trying to tell ourselves that we are okay consciously, unfortunately the SUBCONSCIOUS – and the messages it carries – is always going to win.
The subconscious was playing with my mind during the first half of my pregnancy. The whole time the thought of being a FAILURE as a mom was forefront in my mind.
Things we experience every single day show up in our lives in different ways. Whether they show up as anxiety, depression, stress, overwhelm, chronic pain…you name it, it’s always there. As much as you want to believe that it is gone, its not.
We tell ourselves that we are fine and that everything is going to be okay, but the truth is there is so much more to it than what we try to convince ourselves.
Our mind can control our lives.
I have used many tools to get to the core of these messages and understand who I was always meant to be in this world. If you’d like to learn more about one in particular that was the starting point to my recovery, click here.
If we don’t work on ourselves before our babies arrive then unfortunately we can bring our thoughts and worries onto them before they are even here.
I’m so blessed to be able to type this today. My little one is now 2.5 years old and we are expecting baby #2 this coming November.
I am writing my story to empower you and give you hope. Pregnancy, Parenthood, and Adulthood are not easy. If I can be there to support you in anyway, I’d love for you to reach out.